According to the online Cambridge dictionary, Transformations is “a complete change in the appearance or character of something or someone.” The topic of transformation interests me for many reasons. First and foremost, because I have undergone some radical transformations in my 40+ years on the planet. The person I have turned into from where I began still sometimes brings me to tears when I think about it. Through my own personal experience and tens of thousands of hours spent with clients over the years as a coach and as a bodyworker, I have come to understand that true transformation is a byproduct of understanding and begins to happen organically and spontaneously after deep understanding occurs. Although there are ways to speed up progress, transformation is mostly NOT something that one can really “do” or “achieve." I believe this is in stark contrast with the popular messaging of the time, which is that anyone can “achieve transformation,” we just need to “work hard, put in the time and just do it!”
I believe most of us are highly motivated to live happy and successful lives. Most of us feel terrible if we hurt another person accidently, if we don’t follow through with the things we say we will do, if we leave the kitchen a mess, if we parent poorly on any given day, if we turn in a work project knowing it is not our best, accidentally drink too much the night before or have too much desert when we should “know better.” Wanting to “be good and do good” is most of our mode of operandi. If transformation was something we can “achieve” then why is it that we often continue to make the same “mistakes” again and again and fall flat on progress?
For example, If a person is prone to overeating, why are they likely to continue to overeat even when they “know better?” Is the remedy to force themselves to diet, go to the gym and “put in the work” in order to transform? Maybe some people can do this and be effective but most of us cannot. Most of us will make marginal progress with spurts of success and then "fall back" into the same negative things, accidentally or willingly, year after year. From my experience, true transformation is out of reach for most people because their orientation towards transformation is all wrong.
So what is the correct orientation for maximum transformation? I think the first step begins with a sincere self curiosity and inquiry. We need to actually care about becoming more than we currently are. Questions like, “Why am I the way I am? Why do I always seem to fail at x, y, and z? Why do I always seem to attract this kind of woman or man? Why do I lack motivation to go to the gym even though I am overweight? Why do I tend to feel defensive when my partner gives me feedback? Why am I not getting the promotions I think I deserve?” these are curious questions and questions I’ve heard throughout my career. As conscious beings, energy flows where attention goes. When ones’ attention is focused on a conundrum of a certain type, the magnifying glass is now on the problem. Therefore, solving that conundrum and paving the way for change is finally possible. Looking inward takes a great amount of courage!
However, before we jump to answers and actions once we focus our attention of a particular problem, we must first refrain from judgment – either self or others. This is the next very important second step. If I struggle with something and if as soon as I think about it I begin to judge myself – all motivation is gone. Let's use the same example of being overweight. Maybe I say to myself, “why am I overweight,” and then the next thoughts are, “I’m so terrible, I should know better!” How does that self-flagellating person find the strength to continue those uncomfortable feelings? The problem is already present and then overlaying the problem is the self judgment of the problem. This doubles the impact and can make the initial problem feel impossible to tackle, like climbing mount Everest. Furthermore, to add insult to injury, those that tend toward self-judgment are much more likely to minimize their micro-successes and maximize their backslides. “Well, I’ve only lost 3 pounds this month, I should have lost 5 pounds by now,” and so on and so forth, making change even further out of reach. It is very difficult to make lasting change when every step of the way there is a whip on ones shoulder.
Similarly, the person who tends toward judging others can minimize their negative impacts on others and lack the motivation to truly understand. If everything that happens to me is a result of something external, what exactly do I need to look at? Let's use the same example, “why am I overweight?” If the next thoughts after this curious question are, “I don’t have enough time to cook well, my mother never taught me how to cook, I have always been overweight, it's not my fault,” then there is nothing I can take charge of and control for after all the whole world would need to change in order for me to overcome these monumental obstacles and that is a very tall order so why bother to try? That is the mentality when we blame others or circumstances.
Refrain from judging. This is much easier said than done. From my experience, judgment is ubiquitous and often goes unnoticed, like being a fish in a fishbowl, it is just the water we swim in. The best way to begin challenging our judgments is to notice them. How often do I “beat myself up"?” How often do I blame others for my unhappiness? An inventory is a good place to start. For me, I stopped judging myself when I realized I was the only person I could count on. I woke up with myself every day and had to go to bed with myself every day, so I should probably learn to love myself for better or for worse. I stopped judging others when I realized how much I needed them and how much more fun it was to be connected versus being right. I am still a work in progress on this front.
Okay, for review: Step 1 - Be curious and inquire within. Step 2. Refrain from judgment. Now for step 3 – uncover the root causes of why we are the way we are and why we continue the mistakes that we do. This is a lifelong step and everyone seems to have their ideas. There are of course some tried and true paths throughout the ages – get counsel from wise people, pray, meditate, coaching, sincere religious studies, dance, recovery programs like 12-steps, skilled bodywork (it is amazing what being touched and witnessed by another person can give us, we are so often “under touched” in our society, but that is for a different blog), energy work, shaman work, plant medicine (it can be helpful in awakening the human heart when used wisely in a sacred ceremony) and so on. Most of the major religions, Saints, Sages, Preachers and Rabbis have described useful tools for getting started. One or multiple techniques will likely be necessary for transformation to occur.
My path was through dance, bodywork, sacred plant medicine, meditation, vertical reflective questioning and prayer, in that order and its ongoing. That is just me. The good news is, once a root cause is revealed, it is forever known and no longer a blind spot. When a root cause is known, transformation begins to happen naturally (as long as we stay out of our own way), and transformation brings expansion and that new expansion naturally creates the motivation for the next bit of transformation and so on and so forth. It does become like a magical elevator ride that can actually be really fun!
Now one can say, “I put in the work” and so therefore “achieving transformation” is valid. I say no and will us an analogy of children to illuminate this point. Children have to “put in the work” in order to learn how to walk but is it really work or is there an inner urge, an inner drive to do something that is so profound for their survival? Perhaps this is the initial curiosity that arises spontaneously. No one has to tell most children to begin, they simply want to, even though in the beginning the skill is feeble to non-existent and "takes work."
Once children learn to walk though, their world becomes greater and the walking that was once so difficult is now second nature and they are on to the next stage in their development. Have you ever seen children judge their progress while learning how to walk? Have they ever said, “you idiot, you should know this already?” Or, “the only reason I don’t know how to walk yet is because the world is keeping me down.” No, that would be silly. Children without thought, after an inner urging, simply get to the business of learning a very necessary life skill.
This understanding (knowing how to walk) transforms the child and naturally creates greater possibility and potential (a walking child has greater potential than a non-walking child). This greater possibility creates an inner expansion (the world is now their oyster) and it is this greater expansion that spontaneously creates the energy for the next step and the next step and the next. Even though “work” is often required, it doesn't feel like "work."
Most things in nature work this way – think about the season changing, a chrysalis turning into a butterfly, a baby growing into an adult. It is all organic, spontaneous transformation! I would even go so far as to say it is our birthright if we want it. We have no idea how great our potential is! Our job is to get out of our own way and train our mind to become our tool for transformation instead of the obstacle to it.
In closing, for me, spiritual transformation has been the greatest gift from God. The thing about transformation is that very few people know where a person started so the positive impacts of their transformation can be quite subtle. Some butterflies are plain looking and if a person doesn’t know anything about the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly, one can overlook that plain butterfly. My life is very plain looking - a small but mostly successful business, two small children, a husband that loves me, a house in the suburbs that looks like everyone else's in my neighborhood - but I love my mighty plain life and who knows what is still possible for me? It is an adventure indeed.
I believe we all have a great capacity for awakening, we simply have to turn toward it with 3 simple but not easy steps – be curious and introspective, refrain from judging and find the root causes and transformation will arise naturally.
Thanks for reading,
Charuta
